Me: I feel like didn’t do anything today.
Jason: You existed. That’s enough.
I can be on a productivity spiral almost daily. I never feel that I’m doing enough, no matter what I do or accomplish, and can easily get down on myself—thinking I need to do more. Be more.
I’ve always been a doer and on the move type. Part of this is natural curiosity and the need to live. The other part, since childhood, I’ve always felt I have to do and self-sacrifice to be worthwhile or loved. As an adult, I wonder how much of this need to be productive comes from being an adoptee. My parents didn’t have expectations of their kids nor pressured me to achieve, so everything I accomplished was my own self ambition.
When my body is less compliant and screams, “do less!” I can feel worthless and caught in a cyclone of shame despite having a valid “excuse”. Lack of mobility and needing help with the minutia can wildly further push feelings of unproductivity. I feel static, unmatching my inner spirit that is wild and free. I can compare the present me to my old body and think I should be doing more, which is unfair to me. Of course my old body could do more.
This cycle can corner me into submission, and Jason is always completely confused at how I could feel this way about myself because he sees how much I work.
If I’m not “productive” in the ways we’ve deemed productivity and worth; a scale implanted by capitalist structure, I’m unkind to myself. Add a disability with finite mobility left, and these feelings can be exploited as I merge with societal perception of disability: If you’re not moving, you’re not contributing or worthwhile.
It’s easy to think we’re not doing enough. We think we’re failing. We think we suck. We think, we think, we think.
But like most things, perspective depends on which side of the line you stand (or sit) on. If you’re disabled, have health challenges, or just need time to be human, then resting is productive. If you’re a corporation, this is very unproductive as their baseline and goals are singular and not about the human condition.
In the version of grace I extend to others, yet struggle with for myself, I’d say, living is productive. Our time here is short, and very few people at the end of their wished they worked more. They wished they lived more, worried less and focused on what their truly passionate about. So. Live. Existing is as productive as we ever could be. This includes myself. #kamswheelstravel @ Instagram.com/kamredlawsK