I keep saying I am going to update here, but I'm afraid I haven't been very good about it lately.
There is definitely plenty happening and I feel busier than ever with endeavors and projects flying around summoning me. I think Jason thinks I'm crazy with the level of work or ambitions I give myself. I can't help it. My body limits me, but most of the time I have to work just that much harder to maintain the level or standard that I did before. Still, it can get tiring, for sure, but I just don't know any other way.
I feel like I'm running a never ending marathon with no water breaks, but at the same time I'm not prepared to sit around and do nothing - waiting, being sad or hoping for it to get better.
Not that I don't have my sad days. I most definitely do. I'm just not built that way, I guess. I don't believe in that. Hope can only meet you halfway. It's a symbiotic relationship. You can't hope to become more successful if you don't work hard. You can't hope that the world had better people in it, if you yourself don't care about others. Or the cliche saying - who said it? "you can't hope to win the lottery, if you've never bought a ticket". And, you can't hope that your friend will get better, if you've never helped them.
Just waiting around can cause "death".
However tiring, I think I would rather reach the end of my life really tired from living out too many ambitions or for others, than well rested - living leisurely and just for myself.
It's been a time of alot of changes in many aspects, professionally and personally. Some that requires picking a new direction where new opportunities and new experiences await, and other changes that I don't really get to pick, but forced to adapt to.
Crossroads, if you will. I have a bunch of updates waiting to be posted. I wish I had more time to post here.
Until then, I've gotten back to illustrating lately and should probably upload them here. This one is my most recent. I woke up this morning and immediately my arms began to talk to me. They felt heavy. Heavier than yesterday.
I don't like feeling my arms weaken. It's an experience I'm not sure I could describe. Everything is in seemingly slow motion. This is no fun ride and I'm doing my best to tell myself everything will be ok.
Though, the feeling is a similar experience to my legs, it's different in its own right. My arms feel heavy - like dead weights hanging and every so often another sand bag gets added while it awaits my body's breaking point. I dislike this feeling immensely but I feel like I have no choice, even though, at times, I still dissect potential escape plan routes to see if somewhere a choice is hidden and I just missed it.
Instead, it tells me, "You have no say in this...just wait". I sense the convergence where my arms meet my shoulders and it feels considerable.
So, this is how I could visually communicate the feeling - bags of sand weighing down what already feels like a wooden body.