Today is World Adoption Day! Overall, I fully support adoption as life with no family can have deep effects and foster homes and orphanages often have a lot of hidden abuse and neglect. But I also try to be honest about my experience and the more nuanced effects of transracial adoption that can occur (even in the best of situations) to help fellow adoptees, adoptive families and those considering adoption. Some adoptees have great experiences, while others may experience physical or sexual abuse or deep identity issues. Sure, this is something that can happen in biological families but as an adoptee you have this other path that could have been, so it’s natural to wonder especially if you have experienced trauma. And even with a great family, loss can feel like a shadow on the wall and unfortunately this can get lost in the idyllic limelight of sad orphans being “saved”. The story doesn’t end here for many...and it’s not always a “beautiful” experience for us.
I think adoption is wonderful, if for the right reasons, and while we have chosen not to have children (a dream of mine) mostly due to lack of local support amidst a progressive disease, adopting a child has always been at the forefront of Jason and I’s mind back when we were considering kids. The world is in no danger of lack of population issues and there are millions of children looking for a home. In the US alone, 515,000 children are in foster care, with 155,000 children waiting to be adopted, and 140 million worldwide have no family. While I support adoption I also feel, in parallel, that the cultural, economic, social, religious, shame and stigmas that may cause separations in the first place should be dealt with.
I wrote this little moment and further exploration of feeling different and invisible last week on my personal Facebook page and thought I’d share here:
Soul Tourist, 2013
“I had a family member say to me: “Why is there a black Barbie, can’t they get their own brand?”. As someone who formerly worked at Mattel I said, “One, to build another property would take a lot of money, framing structure and illogical, but more importantly, why hasn’t there been a black Barbie and why can’t they exist in the same world?”
I don’t consider this person racist but definitely ignorant about race despite having an adopted Asian in the family. A lot of adoptive families think they understand race because they “saved” an Asian or some other child of color, but as someone who lived in a white family, though a great childhood and great memories, I can say there can be a deep ignorance about race and much of that has to do with lack of representation and visibility and not necessarily maliciousness. Even those who consider themselves allies of race and well-versed are still ignorant about race. There's a difference between racist and ignorant about race and most of us fall in the spectrum of ignorant, just like many are ignorant about disability.
As a child I was only exposed to white media, as we all were because when you think of it media for decades/centuries has predominantly featured one race, the victors, which is great for them. But in this lack of representation I literally thought I was white. In fact, I was stunned at a tender age of 11 when I finally realized I was Asian while looking back at myself in the mirror. And it was a weird mix of emotions. We can say we don’t see color but this is not true for us.
Growing up I was never really exposed to my culture or background and merely assimilated in order to survive. So in college when I was finally exposed to Asians, it was a whole new world and I savored learning this forgotten past — soon having a very long list of Asian friends. But there is a mass unconscious discomfort seeing the playing field leveled and more diverse representation, as if something is changing...or being taken from away as you were used to being the entirety of visualization. But like everything, it takes a simple exercise of “How would I feel if this was me? How would I feel if I or my white child only saw black people in the media for decades and never a white person?”
Today, this lack of diversity and mono-narrative has greatly fed the perception of what it means to be “American” because the greater American mass was never visualized. American is and was seen as ‘Leave it to Beaver’ depicting the “good wholesome families” and Spaghetti Westerns that completely rewrote history with white cowboys as the heroes fighting the thuggish unsophisticated enemy, Native Americans. This was ‘back when America was great’. The rest of us were sidelined. And this drove one side of the public to have comfort and dominance because they were visualized. And this, to a young girl trying to fit in, said to me I had to be white to fit in because I was the only one I saw out there.
Lack of representation feeds everything. It’s like never seeing a disabled person outside the lens of pity and sad telethons, or never featured in media or shown as a love interest or sexual, which has created a society who greatly looks down on us with pity and labels us incapable or worthless. And people like me have to battle this aftermath daily: like when a stranger on the street is gleefully shocked that someone could even love me, dubbing Jason as the hero or able savior.
Representation seems so simple yet so vital. We are inherently fearful and ignorant of things we aren’t exposed to consistently. Like the public fear of gays that has slowly dissipated because those who feared them found out their own family member or friend is gay, thus this overshadowed their ignorance because of love and familiarity...and more visibility.
It’s easy to fear or be uncomfortable with what we don’t know, which is why I’m constantly advocating to step outside of our bubbles and purposely learn a perspective vastly different than our own. This is vital to the balance of humanity and peace as much of history’s wars have been due to fear or exploitation of fear.
I loved my Midwest experience, but have also had the benefit of seeing through the lens of both sides, and in reality I lived in a bubble as so many of us do. And this caused me to struggle. We don’t realize how much we subconsciously create biases derived from the information we’re exposed to or take in.
If you have never experienced being the odd one in the sea of same or unable to see your own reflection in the media’s eye, you can’t understand...but you can try to. And, if you ever question how to treat someone different than you, always ask yourself, “How would I feel if this was me?” It’s really that simple.
Today, I’ve evolved to not needing to see the same surrounding me; holding a very diverse group of peers. I’m proud of my varied and melting pot journey and have found my identity not only in my ethnicity, but as a human who is a part of this great human experiment. It’s been a journey to get here but I’m proud of all these parts that have made me who I am today; a Korean, American, adoptee, artist and disabled individual who has lived quite a life so far. So many of us seek comfort in the same but I now seek comfort in differences.
My advice to those who have adopted or are thinking of adopting, do your best to keep your child connected to who they were, who they are and their beginnings — for in so many cases, though we may have forgotten, we will eventually come back to the question of identity. Hiding this fact, or not giving any focus to it, will eventually resurface in some way. And, patience and understanding. It can be a difficult process for all parties, but especially for us. Understand the humanity through the eyes of your child and how they see or will see themselves. Many of us adoptees have difficulties or difficult periods but in time we will find ourselves. Be patient and reserve your own expectations”. #worldadoptionday