I write a lot on my social media channels like Facebook and Instagram because it’s quick and easy. I find that people are more willing to read a blurb if it’s right there in front of them and don’t have to click a link to a different page. But I want to start document my musings on my blog in case one of the channels crash and I lose everything I’ve ever written. This is all material and practice for the book I will one day write.

Self-doubt is universal. The phantom of ourselves imposes the will of self-doubt and insecurity onto all of us. I experience self-doubt all the time as an artist, designer and a disabled person forced to prove their worth in an able-bodied world. 

People with disabilities often feel they have to do twice as much just to prove themselves to a society that often views us as useless, unable, incompetent and even throw-away segments of society. In my industrial design career I worked extremely hard and often did at least twice as much work than fellow co-workers so the company would see my talents and work first and not my cane and limp. I won design awards for my products and was able to prove myself in my career, beyond my disability. Without the disability I’m already the kind of person who overly throws themselves into work and a perfectionist with really high standards for myself.

But after I went into a wheelchair it was noticeably harder to get a job because design companies who often contacted me because they loved my resume and portfolio did a double look when I came rolling in in my wheelchair for my final interview. This would happen after several phone interviews with the hiring manager who was enthusiastic to hire me but as soon as I showed up in person the look on the hiring manager’s face told me immediately I had no chance. It was crushing and in these moments I could feel myself placing self-doubt into my head. It felt unfair to be entirely judged on the fact that I couldn’t walk and not my skills alone. 

I definitely want to talk more about discrimination I and others like me face daily, especially job discrimination. I have experienced discrimination including a manager who was well versed in my company work and achievements yet used discrimination to damage me in an attempt to quell any threatening success. I left this job because of it, fully knowing the company wouldn’t care if I shared the abuse that was happening behind doors. This moment with that manager still effects me today. It was unfair. I was a dedicated and gave 1000 percent to this job and had vision for what could be possible.

I experienced discrimination in several job interviews after this.

After several interviews with this kind of experience I eventually gave up and went into freelance because then nobody would know I was disabled and thus maybe I would be treated as an equal. I didn’t have to face the humiliation of an ignorant society which was often demoralizing because I know I have so much to offer. Not only skills and work experience but life and people experience which is more important to a job than most realize. 

My art gallery

Follow my wheelchair travels, art and mini-memoirs at Instagram.com/kamredlawsk and Facebook.